I thought it was delightful that if speeches ran too long during the 2009 MTV Movie Awards, the winners would be interrupted by Keyboard Cat. Unfortunately, no one talked long enough for this to happen, except at the end when the cast of ‘Twilight’ was accepting the award for Best Movie, but then, even though Keyboard Cat was supposed to “take it away”, he never did! Oops! Guess I just gave away the big award of the night. Well, if you don’t care to know who the rest of the winners are, then just go watch some more Keyboard Cat (R.I.P.).
Will Ferrell and that other guy in ‘Land of the Lost’ had no sympathy for the deceased Keyboard Cat, pretending to pet pretend cat corpses on stage at one point. The presence of these two men and nothing but celebrities with movies coming at the MTV Awards Show made it nothing more than one big conglomeration of commercials for upcoming movies, and the big film of the night that fans got a sneak peek of was obviously ‘New Moon’, due to all the pomp and circumstance surrounding the showing of its new trailer (which was presented by Robert Pattinson and Kristen Stewart in the lily-white flesh).
Eminem got a ‘New Moon’ himself when a certain part of Bruno (a.k.a. Sacha Baron Cohen) was lowered upside down right into his face from the ceiling, where he was attempting to fly to the stage with angel wings to present an award to angel-faced Zac Efron. Eminem stormed out of the show after pouting a bit, leaving fans wondering if the whole ordeal was staged or not.
But of course the show isn’t about staged antics or movie plugs, right? It’s about handing out giant plastic popcorn trophies. So who won these coveted awards? Well, for breakthrough performance female, Ashley Tisdale was the big winner (she thanked Disney first, which is probably in her contract). I thought “breakthrough performance” was kind of like a newcomer thing, but with a dozen High School Musical movies out, I was obviously wrong.
Unfortunately, Megan Fox was wearing the same shoes as Ashley Tisdale, so she’ll get the praise for wearing the S&M ankle-breakers. She and Shia LaBeouf treated the audience to a ‘Transformers: Revenge of the Fallen’ teaser which featured a very unrealistic chase scene (and no, it wasn’t unrealistic just because android babe Megan Fox was in it.)
The best fight award went to the ‘Twilight’ boys, and Robert Pattinson graciously thanked his stunt double, admitting that he had done the whole fight scene (so shouldn’t the award have went to him?). Robert Pattinson has definitely turned into a glampire; I’m convinced his hair is actually a vampire that sucked the blood of James Dean.
The ‘Cool Guys Don’t Look At Explosions’ song number that Andy Samberg did was pretty funny (it was definitely the host’s highest point of the night), and I appreciated it a lot more than Eminem’s outdated song about Jessica Simpson and Sarah Palin.
Robert Pattinson won the Breakthrough Male Performance and girls screamed; he and Kristen Stewart won for Best Kiss; and there was more screaming as he and Kristen Stewart turned into hampires by pretending like they were going to kiss one another (which, luckily for the ladies, they didn’t). Then there was some disturbing performance involving LeAnn Rimes singing some pretty dirty things (apparently you don’t have to bleep the D-word anymore; and no, I’m not talking about the one that ends with a weird letter combination). She’s come a long way from singing gospel songs like ‘Amazing Grace’, let me tell ya.
The WTF Moment award was presented by Big Pak (the rapper on the Orbit gum commercials) who tried to out-teleprompter-freestyle Hayden Panettiere. The award went to Amy Poehler for peeing in the sink in ‘Baby Momma’ (I guess it’s not as common to do this as I thought).
Of course the night wasn’t complete without a ‘Hannah Montana’ win; Miley Cyrus took home the Best Song award and loudly thanked God (but forgot to thank Disney, which is blasphemy!)
Ben Stiller won a “special award”, the Generation Award (which means he’s getting too old for MTV). And for some reason, Kiefer Sutherland, who presented the award to him with Zac Efron and Triumph the Insult Comic Dog, suffered a fake breakdown, which prevented Ben from doing much talking. I guess Zac Efron helped present the award just so girls could look at him a little longer (seriously, this whole show should have just been him and Robert Pattinson standing on the stage together for two hours; the ratings would have been the same, if not higher).
The ‘Doubt’ Sega game looked fun. I miss Sega! Kristen Stewart won the Best Female Performance Award, and the trampire proceeded to drop her popcorn on the floor, proving that it is, indeed, indestructible. Robert Pattinson thought it was hilarious (I think the cameraman was instructed to focus on Robert Pattinson’s face at least once every three minutes).
Jim Carrey was rockin’ a creepy flasher look, and we got to hear his creepy prop 8 thought about Robert Pattinson. The only line Jim actually spoke was this: “There wouldn’t be swine flu if we treated the pigs better.”
I was starting to wonder where Susan Boyle and Adam Lambert were at this point, then remembered that they have nothing to plug.
And for the finale they got a “real” actor to present the award for best film. Denzel Washington looked like he was 25 and was standing on the stage with a girl who was apparently hired to do nothing but stand beside him and clap every time he said something. Unfortunately, girls only got a glimpse of Robert Pattinson as the ‘Twilight’ crew’s speeches were cut short due to time restraints.
So after spending two hours of my life watching this show and taking notes, all I really learned was this: MTV is controlled by teenage girls, and if you want to be the King of Parodies, wear a G-string and stick your butt in the face of another guy who does parodies. Take it away, Keyboard Cat in my head!