Ryan Seacrest announces that over 47 million votes were cast last night, and I am agape. That’s, like, 12 million more votes than when there were 13 PEOPLE. I guess voters don’t retire when their favorite falls; they just back another horse.
The judges are introduced. The fabric of Randy’s shirt looks like it came from a chair in a fancy ladies’ room; Kara looks kind of frumpy in a bun and high neckline; Paula goes the opposite route from Kara, by which I mean her boobs are pretty much right out on the table; Simon is wearing his $1,000 t-shirt again, and he loves all the contestants. What the? Maybe Paula said she’d wear the boob dress if he promised to be nice to everyone this week.
This week’s Ford video is another feel-good hybrid commercial, featuring the Idolettes running across a barren landscape with the car zooming toward them from the other direction. Just as it looks as though the little car is going to mow them down mercilessly, it circumscribes them, trailing a twinkling rainbow of exhaust that, when the circle is complete, turns the landscape lush and verdant. I’m thinking that was a bit lame, but not as lame as the one in which they painted a picture and drove into it. Oh, yeah, the song was “Energy”.
The group number is a medley of “I’ve Got Rhythm” and “It Don’t Mean a Thing If It Ain’t Got that Swing”, and we’re back to lip-synching and boring choreography, so whatever.
After the break, we get to see a video recap of the Idolettes baking cakes for Danny’s and Allison’s birthdays, which devolves into a wild, crockery-smashing food fight that trashes the whole kitchen. Danny is presented with a janitorial bill for $6,000, which I couldn’t pay to clean my whole house every month for a year! Maybe it’s really a bill for allowing Danny to smear chocolate icing all over Allison’s newly-17-year-old body, which he clearly got a lot of enjoyment from.
The frivolity has to end some time, so the Idolettes line up center stage to hear their fate, or at least part of it. Matt Giraud is on the end closest to Ryan, and he is called first. He’s my pick to go home, but he is not named to the bottom two or three, yet. He is directed to stand stage left. Oh, it’s the divide-and-choose thing we didn’t get when there were seven people. Danny Gokey is shuttled off to stage right, so you know where the winner’s circle is. Allison Iraheta is placed with Danny and Kris Allen with Matt, and I am congratulating myself on a call well made. Adam Lambert is the remaining contestant, and since he is so clearly the front-runner it makes sense that he has not been put in a group to make it too obvious.
It is already pretty obvious, though, because when forced to choose with whom to stand, Adam demurs with an I-love-you-all-but and scurries to the safety of Danny and Allison. Ryan indicates that group and says, “America, THIS is NOT your bottom three”, and as America says, “Well, DUH”, Ryan knocks the crap out of us by making Adam cross the stage to be with Kris and Matt, and then says, “THIS is your bottom three.”
Blimey! I stop congratulating myself and lose my mind along with everyone else, including Allison and Danny. This is like George Huff back in Season Three, except George chose the wrong group and was sent back to safety. Adam in the bottom three, even out of five, is well near unthinkable! Danny beating Adam I can see, but Allison beating Adam is a fresh one. It’s that stupid “Feelin’ Good” song; I TOLD you it was cursed, Lambert! And of course now we get to mull that one over while sitting through a bunch of damn musical guests, whom I will summarize with speed: Natalie Cole must be in her sixties, but she looks stunning, although she has the skinniest legs I’ve ever seen on a nine-foot-tall woman. I’m hoping she’s there to slap Simon twice for likening her father to Matt Giraud, but she is going to sing, badly, a song from her new CD, proving that the apple can indeed fall pretty far from the tree. It is not a good advertisement for the CD.
Second, we get Taylor Hicks, who has lost weight and gotten a decent haircut and looks very good. He sings his new single, “Seven Mile Breakdown”, in a kind of blues-rock style that I really like but that doesn’t usually do that well on commercial radio. It’s got a very Marc Broussard-Jonny Lang feel to it, so if you like either of those guys, you know what you’re getting. I love those two guys, so I will actually consider buying Taylor Hick’s CD, something I never thought I would say.
Back to the eliminations. One person will be sent back to safety. Who? Adam, of course. But no! It’s Kris! Aghh!! The curse! The curse! I am still confident that Adam could not possibly be going home, but I am still mighty nervous, so there’s a possibility I’m just paying lip service to being confident. It doesn’t do my demeanor any good that I am now subjected to Jamie Foxx, who not only goes Kanye West with the vocoder, but who also has backup singers with him through the entire song, which is all the proof we need that his “singing” is completely a product of studio magic. Live, it’s a flaming hot bowl of poo with a battery acid chaser. Jeez, Jamie, you are a funny guy who can act. Can’t you be satisfied? What’s next, modeling?
After screwing with Simon for liking Matt / dissing Allison and allowing Kara and Randy to gloat, Ryan finally allows us all to relax and find that yes, yes, Matt is the Exile of the Week. We watch the highlight video, and Matt sings about as well as he did the night before. Paula tries to comfort him by claiming he has “at least 40 million” fans. Lady, if he had gotten anywhere near that many votes, he would have rolled over everyone else into first place, not be taking the train back to Kalamazoo.
Adam is safe to sing another week (maybe he’ll take my advice THIS TIME!!), but as far as I’m concerned, the Feelin’ Good Curse is still in full effect, because what it did to Adam=Instant Death for a lesser contestant. They might as well rename that song “Feelin’ Good about Getting Sent Home“, fer chissakes. Next week’s theme: Rock and Roll! We are also threatened with the presence of Slash. Good lord, they’re not going to let him mentor, are they? Has American Idol just run completely out of actual singers this season? Well, I am off to ponder the vagaries of life until next week.
Bat Rankings (chances of winning)
1. Adam Lambert
Danny Gokey – yes, it’s a tie
3. Allison Iraheta
4. Kris Allen