It’s said that Hillary’s stunning victory in New Hampshire was largely due to her totally candid, unrehearsed, from-the-heart “emotional moment.” Apparently, she stubbed her toe on that big pile of change she’s been making for 35 years. But the power of the “emotional moment” did not escape the attention of the other candidates.
- Barack Obama reminded us that his vast foreign policy experience, based on taking a class in college, often makes him want to weep. Supporter Jesse Jackson stated that “Obama is no slime, and cries all the time, about the Sub-Prime Crime, and can make change for a dime.”
- Mike Huckabee admitted that his recent weight loss was actually water loss, due to incessant but manly sobbing over having to give up fried pickles. He offered to make change for a ten, right on the spot.
- “Mitt is forever choking up with emotional but manly baggage,” sighed Romney’s wife, Bunt, standing as a team with Mitt’s sons Tag, Catch, Error, Balk and Designated Hitter.
- John McCain tearfully recalled the days when all the pundits wrote him off in the 2008 race, those pre-salad days when John had to book his own flights, dress himself and singlehandedly keep illegal immigrants from forming 527-style PACs within 60 days of any Undocumented Worker Discount Day at Disney World.
- Bill Richardson, tearful but petulant, muttered a snide comment about Vice Presidents in general, and then asked Huckabee if he was going to finish those pickles.
- Joe Biden, who got approximately the same number of New Hampshire votes as there are bowling pins in a 7-10 split, wiped his eyes in a manly way and then failed to make correct change for a twenty. Biden’s spokesman, also in tears, said that since Joe had never actually used any of his own money, Joe couldn’t be held responsible.
- Rudy Giuliani stated that he was also sad, but wouldn’t be showing any emotion until Florida.
- Dennis Kucinich had not technically cried, but got a nice bump in the polls when Fred Thompson’s tears dripped on Kucinich’s head.
It was shameless, and shameful, and shaming. I was never sure if we were watching a Presidential election or a Jerry Springer divorce-a-thon outtake. I can, however, fully debunk the following rumors:
- Mike Huckabee did not point out that, in the original Aramaic, “MITT ROMNEY” spelled backwards equals “PAUL MCCARTNEY IS DEAD.”
- John McCain did not say that, for somebody from Arkansas, Mike Huckabee had an impressive amount of his own teeth.
- Joe Biden, upon hearing that Bob Dole was backing John McCain, did not hold an illegal fundraiser in a cemetery and shout, “Stand up for Joe!”
- Barack Obama did not say that John McCain was older than Mick Jagger, and the Rolling Stones in general, and Stonehenge, and that, if you hadn’t noticed, he’s white.
- Bill Richardson did not point out that he was white, too, but only just.
- Hillary Clinton was not seen voting in both New York and Illinois, using the name Phineas de la Hoya Rubinstein.
Of course, I could be wrong…