Yep, I’m cheap. I’ll admit I take frugality, the fine art of tightwadery and cheapness to a whole new level.
I pinch pennies and split hairs frequently when it comes to money. I frequently stop my car to jump out and pick up trashy treasures from the side of the road – much to my family’s embarrassment.
Sometimes, though, I get a little psychotic with my particular flavor of cheapness. I tell my family often, though “Just chill – it could be worse.”
“How could it be worse?” you might wonder. Well let me share with you my favorite cheap and frugal ideas that I DON’T do, but could. My family thanks me often for keeping my cheap in check when I share these possibilities.
Here are 11 ways to take cheapness to a new and frightening level. Why 11 instead of the normal standard of 10? Why the heck not?
1. Forget about toilet paper. Use leftover newspapers. Be aware that newsprint does run – but hey, it does the job. Who needs cushiony softness when doing such a job? That’s for sissies.
2. Become creative in your home cooking. Dig into the bottom of the barrel (or pantry) for new and tasty dishes to stretch the budget – and length of time between grocery days. How about Spaghettio-Applesauce Casserole or Pasta-Fruitloop Surprise? The kids will love it since they will have no other options.
3. Does your favorite grocery store charge for paper or heavy plastic grocery bags? After putting away your groceries, return to the store with the bags and ask for a refund – they are only slightly-used after all.
4. Make your kids wear clothing and shoes three sizes too big – they will grow into them eventually. Who knows, they might start a new trend that the other kids will mimic.
5. Refill your water bottles and jugs from public bathroom sinks to save on your own home water bill. That water is free for the taking to visitors – make use of it!
6. Show up at a family member’s house around supper time every evening to save on your own grocery bill. Everyone needs a little more family time for bonding and sharing.
7. Electricity is overrated.
8. Exactly how many times can you wash and reuse disposable cups, plates and cutlery? They are free for the taking from any fast food garbage can.
9. Save water by not flushing the toilet as often. If the smell bothers you, close the bathroom door between uses and hold your breath while doing your business. Imagine the savings on the water bill!
10. Save money on water, laundry detergent and electricity by practicing a nudist lifestyle while in your own home. Clothing is overrated. Not only will you save on laundry and clothing wear and tear, but you will provide free entertainment for your neighbors and delivery people who visit your home. How humanitarian of you!
11. Who really needs soap anyway? Water and a wash cloth do a pretty good job on their own.
Think you’ve got the chops to implement one or more of these twisted tightwad tips?
I doubt it. Who are you fooling? You big sissy.
(Authors Note: No children were harmed in the writing of this article. These ideas were pulled out of the spacious air of my vast imagination. I do not practice nor truly advocate the implementation of these frugal ideas. I am simply offering up a buffet of humorous fodder for rumination. Have a nice day.)