A bikini… an itsy bitsy teenie weenie yellow polka dot bikini… no way. Not even a one yellow polka dot one piece. The only way I am getting into the pool this summer… is in board shorts and a tankini. That I can do… as long as I am also wearing a cover up shirt. Yeah. Season passes to a water park should be fun this year.
What can I do about it? Well… let’s see. I have a home gym in my home office. All the equipment I purchase when it goes on sale… deals you know… one can never beat a good deal. Moreover, I have always planned to use them right away.
Let me see, I am going to look through all the unopened boxes of all this exercise equipment and see if any of it is still any good… or do I need to simply go shopping? That I can do with nary a worry or complaint.
I cannot make heads or tails out of these boxes… I call my friend, who just happens to be a personal trainer and ask her for some advice and can we meet at the mall. She says yes, with an over abundance of enthusiasm. She does not think I am ready for her to be my personal trainer does she? I have watched her work… she will make me cry and then I will have to rethink our friendship.
Off to the mall I go. Okay- Loretta, I have sneakers. I have had the same pair for years. After all they are still in good shape. I only wear them every now and again on casual Fridays. She bemoans softly and takes me into the nearest shoe store… (A sale!). Loretta then explains to me that sneakers only last for so long. They can become frayed leaving one open to possible injury. After all, she says that all sneakers should be replaced after 350-500 miles of use… WHAT? People do that much walking… what in ten years… Oh really… every six months? She is insane. Crap. Now she is putting one of those pedometers in my basket along with shoes and socks. Why did I call her again? Oh, right… an itsy bitsy teenie weenie yellow polka dot one piece… board shorts.
Now we are walking in the mall again, me with my brand new shoes, socks and pedometer in one bag and my friend with three new pairs of shoes in two bags. And let me tell you, when I say we are walking… we are walking… damn who can keep up with her? Loretta… I have short legs! Wait up.
Okay. We have stopped in front of a lingerie store. Loretta looks me up and down and grabs my arm. In the store now, she tells me I am in need of a good sport bra. Why? I have plenty of bras. She kindly asks me when the last time I purchased and wore a sports bra…was. Oh. Well, it had been a awhile. She tells me that sports bras should be replaced every six months. I looked skeptical. Then she told me… it means more shopping at sales! I am on board.
Once more in the mall, walking. No wait, let me amend that to say Loretta was walking, I was running to keep up with her.
We stop and bless Loretta she was prepared when I slammed into her with all my purchases, breathing heavy and panting for water. Really, Lori… we have only been to two stores… she queries me. I remind her that in order to get to those two stores, she had us lap the entire mall… okay. Time for a water break as she decided to educate me further on exercise equipment.
She asks me if I have any resistance bands… huh???? Those giant band thingies that I have in a box. Oh, yes, I have those… she knew. She gave them to me two years ago. Since I have not even opened the box, she tells me mine are fine. However, after eighteen months of use…of continual use I need to check for signs of wear and tear. It will soon be time to replace them. Okay. I can do that.
We have finished our water and we are off again… yeah! We stop in front of a sports store and enter. She goes right to the stability balls. I have one in my closet. I hate it. I am always afraid I will sit on it and it will just pop. Moreover, I have actually tried sitting on one. Stability my butt…you wiggle and roll right off! Loretta assures me that this is a normal fear but that it really will help tighten my “gluts.” Since I already have one we keep on walking. Thank goodness. I so did not want to try one out in public!
Now Loretta is over by the helmets… why is she there? Oh, crap… that is right… I have a bicycle in my garage… so do my children. She wants me to “bond” (this used to be one of my all time favorite words…..) with my kids by going on bike rides…. Does she not know teenagers can be mortified of their parents? Yep… I can see this now. Okay. What was she saying about the helmets… crap? She is going to quiz me over all the information she gave to me today… Why are we friends again?????
1) Sneakers need to be replaced every three to six months or after walking 350- 500 miles.
2) Sports bras should be replaced every six months so that maximum support is always provided.
3) Resistance bands should be replaced every eighteen months or so… be on the look out for signs of wear and tear… especially around the handles and connection points.
4) Stability balls can last up top three years with regular use… as long as it is of good quality. If not, then every other year or so.
5) Bicycle helmets should be replaced after any crash (maybe I should buy in bulk?) or dropped the helmet hard enough to dent or crack the protective foam liner. (I am purchasing stock!)
Now that I have passed my fitness equipment test. I am off in search of yellow polka dot board shorts, with a matching tankini and a nice purple cover up.