I was talking to a friend last night about how he and his woman are having a little bit of a problem. The dilemma is he is starting to feel like he is more obligated to spend time with her than he really wants to…
I know the feeling. I’ve had it before, and I learned a hard lesson from it. by the way, if you have experienced this with me (and you know who you are), don’t be offended by it. This is just my chance to share experience with other people so they don’t have to share the same fate.
First, the problem he is having is with a needy girl friend. She wants him to call on every break, when he gets home, and when gets up. This is tedious. I don’t think anyone in the world should have that much contact with another person. Even if you live together you rarely spend every second of a day together and talk about mindless crap.
You know, mindless CRAP! “Are you thinking about me? Did you miss me? What are you doing?” When I had conversations like that with a woman, I liked to give the answer “well, I just got done taking a massive crap and my butt burns from it. I wanted to think about you but I didn’t want to associate you with a fiery sphincter feeling.”
For the ladies, you know he is thinking about you when he calls you on his own. Don’t ask him if he was thinking about you. Don’t get pissed at him when he doesn’t call. It doesn’t mean that he likes you any less, it just means he is doing what a healthy person should do; LIVING.
That being said, let us talk about the feeling of obligation. A relationship is not an obligation; Even if you have kids, and those kids need both parents. If you don’t enjoy being around that person, then it’s really not meant to be. Trust me, there is nothing worth staying with a person you feel obligated to be around. No amount of crap you went through is worth the mental stress that being around this person can cause. Not to mention, obligation breeds apprehension toward that person making the relationship even worse.
And lastly, the “I’m afraid of hurting their feelings” excuse. Guess what, breaking up hurts. Even if you are the one doing the breaking up you still have a little feeling of guilt from doing it. The main thing to remember is, the only person you have control over is yourself. The ONLY thing you are responsible is your own well being. If you are worried about staying in a relationship that seems mundane simply because you don’t want to hurt someone… realize that you are sacrificing your own happiness so that they might be a little happier.
So that being said let me break out a little bit of an idea for you.
(Happiness) – (Effort) = (Health of Relationship).
Rate your happiness one a scale of -10 and +10. Then, rate the amount of effort you put into that relationship from 1 to 10. Take your happiness, subtract your effort and that’s how healthy your relationship is. The closer to 0 you are the more normal you are. Bellow 0 means you should really look into what’s going wrong in the relationship. The further above 0 you are means you might not be contributing to the relationship a lot. Figure it out…
-10 to -6
Don’t be with this person
-5 to -2
Things are OK, but you need to do some talking
-1 to 1
You have a healthy relationship
2 to 5
Things are good for you, but the could be better
6 to 10
You might be clueless to your partners needs, or you aren’t serious about the relationship. (It’s all about the sex)
** I wanted to note on here that people who are in the -15 and bellow range might want to seek help. This would indicate some sort of mental disorder on your part such as co-dependency. Of course, i’m not a professional, so you should probably speak to one.