For women like myself who marry athletic coaches, knowing your husband is a jock is a pure given. I knew that the gym, powerlifting (way different that mere weightlifting, ladies), working out, getting “swoll”, and downing every supplement and vitamin out there would become a part of my daily life. But some women enter into marriage and only gradually discover that their husband might be a closet jock.
If you suspect that your husband or someone you love is a jock, read on. There is no cure, but love and acceptance (plus the occasional back massage), will help quell some of the harsher symptoms of being a jock.
Does your bedroom smell like a locker room?
Do your sheets and pillows smell like gym sweat? Do you find that you have to do laundry every other day just to minimize the smell of sweat and body odor? Do your husband’s dirty socks hidden surreptitiously under the couch send you hunting for the dead animal that must have snuck into your living room? Congratulations! Your husband is showing one of the most telltale signs of being a jock.
Will your husband spend more on supplements and vitamins than on groceries?
Before I married my husband, I never knew that one could use seaweed, ammonia, fish oils, wheat germ, and two dozen other oddities to gain strength. If your medicine cabinet looks like Dr. Calgari’s secret stash of odd elixirs, then you have married a jock.
Does your husband own twenty pairs of Adidas, but not a single pair of dress shoes?
To all fairness to my husband, his coaching job gets him several free pairs of sneakers per year. Nevertheless, his “dress shoes” are a pair of black sneakers.
Is hygiene optional?
If you put soap and a bottle of antibacterial lotion in every room of the house but your husband still shows up to dinner with today’s workout grime on his hands, then you have definitely married a jock.
Is your husband’s mood directly correlated to how today’s workout in the gym went?
If you have married a jock, then you will easily be able to gauge how today’s workout went just by the look on your husband’s face. A smile, a bounce, and a bit of manly pride always accompanies my husband’s good workout days, but a slight sullenness darkens his brow on a bad workout day. Usually a good dinner and some TLC works out the kinks of a bad workout.
Do you find that your fridge is empty of food the day after you buy groceries?
Though this is a common sign among husbands in general, a husband that is constantly at the gym will have an even more ravenous appetite for food.
Is your husband amazed that you cannot name from memory every football team, basketball team, baseball team, or wrestler that has won a national championship?
Do you watch television with your husband, some no-name athlete shows up on some random lousy reality television show, and suddenly your husband spouts out the guy (or gal’s) entire athletic history? Although this may be a symptom of the simple sports nut (a close cousin to the full blooded jock), most jocks are familiar with all sports from football to diving to golf.
Do other husbands find it necessary to bring out their inner jock when they are around your husband?
This may be part of the caveman alpha male complex, but if your husband is a jock, guaranteed even the most gentile of husbands will feel obligated to exhibit their manliness when in your husband’s exalted presence.
Is asking your husband to wear a suit paramount to asking your husband to wear a tutu?
After our wedding, my handsome, temporarily clean-cut husband kindly informed me that the next time I would see him in tuxedo would be his funeral. Only buying him an expensive suit forced him into wearing one, just because he wanted to get his money’s worth. (He wore it maybe three times). Now it collects dust in our closet. If this sounds like your husband, then your husband is definitely exhibiting one of the more obvious symptoms of being a jock.
Does your husband scoff at your insistence that yoga and salsa aerobics give you a good workout?
Irony of ironies, my husband married a woman that has no interest in sports of any kind. (Apparently, I cannot count figure skating). However, I do enjoy yoga, dance aerobics, and the occasional walk in the park. If your husband is a jock, unless your exercise takes place in the gym and involves a dizzying number of weights, grunting in sheer agony, and perspiring your weight in sweat, your exercise is mere child’s play.