I woke up in the morning and it was quiet. My heart felt like a ton of bricks. When I got out of bed my heart felt as if it sank to my stomach. As a child I always thought of marriage as the greatest commitment in life and that nothing could break that bond. Although there wasn’t anything said about ending our relationship it sure felt like it had ended. The night before, we talked for hours about how we had wronged each other over the years. I began to wonder if my wife was becoming tired of me. We have been together for a long time, maybe she wants to move on and find that butterflies in the stomach feeling once again. She is a very beautiful, smart, and funny woman, the exact reason why I married her. Not to mention she is spontaneous and has an infectious love for life. I always thought we would grow old together, but I am wondering if I can contain her beauty much longer. Sometimes I act cold and argue to hide my fear of losing her.
I think she is beginning to leave me slowly. There are little signs she gives me. Arguments that last for days instead of hours. She has been overly sensitive to every comment. She has been disagreeing with even the minor things. She has become short with me. She rarely returns my e-mails. She used to want to spend every minute with me, now she tries to find reasons to get away. I am assuming that this is only temporary and that we will get back to our loving selves. In the meantime I am trying to worry about changing myself instead of trying to change her.
First, I am focusing on the positives of the past. Such as, the late nights sitting up with her. The road trips that would take us were ever we felt like going. Sitting in my car and not believing how I ever got her to date me. After the first date, thinking it was too good to be true.
Second, I try not to get so involved in arguing. If something bothers me I think about it and ask myself “if someone else had said it would it bother me?” If it wouldn’t bother me with another person, then I would not say anything to her. Arguing is a definite in a relationship but the less is better.
Third, I am letting go of time and worries. Recently I have become obsessed with order and time frames. Getting things done and breaking out the day in a time frame of what to do. Where my wife isn’t bound by time and always wants to do everything even though time won’t allow it. I am trying to let her free spirit take over mine.
Fourth, enjoying every minute with her. Maybe she will leave me in a couple years, but that isn’t a good reason not to enjoy her as long as I have her. After all she is smart, beautiful, and funny. I enjoy her tremendously when we get along. So I am going to enjoy it.