My life had changed.
By the time I was thirteen, I suddenly became very well developed and could physically pass for an eighteen year old – much older boys started flirting with me. I guess this, coupled with my long blonde hair became the source of their sudden interest. My parents were very strict though and school was the all important priority – I was much too young for a boyfriend. However, my wistful mother with her dreams of romance, innocently played cupid in my secret liasions. The “romances” were all short lived anyway and very innocent. I never felt at ease anyway, there was something eating away inside of me that only I knew about and one other. I was not as innocent as I looked and I felt ashamed.
He continued to fleet in and out of my parent’s lives, I for one despised him. He played his game so well, made me feel “wrong” about myself inside at a time when I was traveling through my teenage years and being pursued by potential boyfriends which made me feel all the worse. “Was it so wrong to smooch with a boy?” I used to think. By the time I was sixteen I felt as cold as ice and would literally “freeze in terror” if a boy should try to advance too far. I just couldn’t “let go” of my inhibitions as I was terribly afraid. Each time, I’d feel violated by what was just a bit of harmless, teenage heavy petting.
I’ll regress here for a moment; I remember staying at my grandmother’s house for a short while whilst my parent’s home was being refurbished. It was a stay marred by the fact that he decided to pay a visit there. I remember my mother being horrified to hear that I had started bed wetting the week of his stay – such was my terror in his presence. I was fourteen and hugely mortified by the whole incident. You never forget.
Anyway, back to the time of my sixteenth year. I know had an “official” boyfriend, dad had approved as long as I was sensible with my school work. Suddenly, I felt the happiest I had been for many years, this boy did not seem “threatening” and didn’t “push” me to do things I wasn’t ready to do.
I felt safe in his presence and my parents liked him. Everything was going well, until that is, “their visitor” came to stay again.
As I’ve said before, it was hugely “weird” as to how many visits this man made over the years to my parents house, least of all because he always came alone, without his wife and children. Most of all because he wouldn’t stay away from me. I could see at an instant that he wasn’t happy about my new “status” of having a steady boyfriend. He was the one who looked uncomfortable now in my boyfriend’s presence.
During his stay, I overheard my parents making arrangements for their summer holiday and felt hugely sickened to my stomach – they had invited him to come along!I couldn’t believe what I was hearing! “Why, why, why?” I screamed silently in my head. ” I’m not going” I said to parents, but, I had no choice, the whole family were going and there was no alternative. “Couldn’t they see this was weird” I asked myself, “again, to go with us on our family holiday without his wife and children?”. I couldn’t believe it and still don’t. But, I guess I knew otherwise and my parents were in living total oblivion. By the time the holiday came round, it was too late anyway.
Next Time: My worst nightmare come true