Howard Stern and the team from Sirius are on vacation this week. For those listeners who depend on the Howard Stern Show to keep them sane on their daily commutes, weeks like this one are an absolute nightmare. Sure, Howard Stern fans understand that everyone has to go on vacation, but thinking about Howard and Beth recharging in the Hamptons doesn’t do much to cheer a person up when you’re staring at the brake lights in front of you for what seems like hours in L.A. traffic.
Let’s face it. The “special” programming that Sirius puts in the Howard Stern Show’s place during their vacations just doesn’t cut it. This week, Howard Stern listeners are being served up a violently lame daily dish of ancient celebrity interviews marketed as “fan favorites.” Friends of the show Jimmy Kimmel, Jerry O’Connell and Jeff Probst have all taken turns introducing their favorite moments from years gone by with dull and humorless intros that almost seem worse than having no programming at all.
Does anyone really care what Lisa Kudrow thought about sex after pregnancy in 1998? No. They don’t. This low-grade substitute programming just isn’t a viable listening option for fans with super-high morning entertainment expectations.
For Howard Stern show fans struggling for survival during this long and painful week of repeats, here are a couple of tips of other ways to entertain yourselves until the team is back on the air.
1. Speculate about what the cast is doing: Put some nice mellow, groovy background music on in your car and let your mind run wild imagining what kind of special enema Robin Quivers has traveled all the way to Arizona to receive. Fantasize about what inexplicable bumps and bruises Artie Lange will show up with next Monday. Speculate about specific ways in which Ralph Cirillo is trashing Howard and Beth’s place in the Hamptons. Try creating a “show within your head,” if you will.
2. Detox: We all know a drug like the Howard Stern Show is feels more potent if you aren’t indulging in it every day. Take this week as an opportunity to detox and remind yourself how incredibly lucky you are to be a Howard Stern listener by trying to pick up a few minutes of the local “morning zoo” on your area’s terrestrial radio stations. It will remind you how much Howard rules, and also teach you humility and gratitude for the 45 weeks of the year that Howard Stern looks after your morning mental health.
3. Call in sick: If you’ve got any personal days stored up, this is the week to take them. Get some things done around the house or go check out a movie-ANYTHING to avoid that Howard-free morning commute.