“Oh, iPhone, how do I love thee? Let me count the ways…”
Alright, maybe that’s not exactly what Elizabeth Barrett Browning meant in Sonnet 43, but by goodness, it should have been.
Don’t get me wrong, men are valuable creatures for many reasons (most of which will be reserved for a later posting). But much like what inspired the plentiful “Why Chocolate Is Better Than Men” arguments, there are times we all wish that the whole man/woman dynamic was a bit simpler. And some things, like the irresistible rich creaminess of chocolate, or the smart, loveable, bends-to-your-every-whim iPhone, just takes this train of thinking to the next level. So, for my fellow women out there in cyberspace, here are five reasons why the iPhone is the only man, electronic or otherwise, you’ll ever need.
Reason 1: iPhone actually cares what you’re doing–all the time.
Whether it’s Facebook, Twitter or MySpace, iPhone conveniently lets you tell your mom, your best friend from 3rd grade, your boss, and what’s sure to be numerous ex-boyfriends exactly what you’re doing every second of the day, without question. Why? Because you’re that important. And hell, everyone wants to know, right? So whether you’re pouring your morning coffee, packing for a trip to the Cayman Islands, or just bored out of your flipping mind, iPhone will listen and care enough to not only ask what you’re doing, but what mood you’re in while you’re doing it.
Reason 2: iPhone never needs to stop and ask for directions (but it would if it had to)
The age-old parable of The Man Who Refused To Ask For Directions was probably a driving factor in putting the always-useful Maps program as a standard iPhone feature. But I suppose the best part about ‘Man Versus iPhone’ in the whole fictitious scenario is that if somehow a situation arose where the direct route from A to B could not be found, iPhone is much too efficient to spend its time bickering with you about why the Shell gas station attendant may or may not speak enough English to relate the best way to get back to the highway. Besides, iPhone has pocket language dictionaries. So there.
Reason 3: iPhone understands your priorities, and that you have the prerogative to change them at the drop of a hat
I’m a woman. Which, amongst other things, means sometimes the most important thing in my life is texting my best friend about what happened with her long-time boyfriend the night before, and sometimes the most important thing in my life is finishing the UNO tournament I started during the American Idol commercial break. At each turn, iPhone gently asks me which of these scenarios I’m feeling is the priority at any particular time. No questions. Only peace, love, and understanding of those who love playing Facebook Scrabble.
Reason 4: iPhone always has the right answers
There is one word that trumps all others when it comes to authority: Google. Sure, most of the information you find on the internet wouldn’t be admissible in court, but in my particular case, iPhone has won me numerous bar arguments regarding such themes as ‘movie quotes,’ ‘true or false Barack Obama facts,’ and ‘what month did Britney actually shave her head.’ But the simple truth is, there’s nothing better than asking a question and getting a no-fuss, no-muss answer.
Reason 5: iPhone doesn’t need to have a shoe thrown at it to know when to switch to ‘Silent Mode’
Alright, I’ll admit there’s a bit of over-exaggerated personal experience in there, but you get my drift. When it comes to relationships, we all wish we could hit the mute button sometimes. Maybe your one and only is on an hour-long rant about why Bill Parcells ran the Cowboys into the ground for poor ol’ Wade Phillips, or how the manner in which you wash and dry dishes somehow reminds him of his ex-girlfriend. Either way, there are bound to be times you wish the off switch was as easy as non-chalantly flipping a button. Honey, you’re not the only one. I promise.
Oh, iPhone, if only you were human.