Stephen Colbert has more than proven to the American people that he deserves to be the President of Earth. While Stephen Colbert has modestly limited his reach to the Colbert Nation, he truly should expand his rule to the entire world. Stephen Colbert’s dizzying intellect, charming wit, and ability to consume large amounts of Sierra Mist without getting gas more than proves that he is the true new leader of the conservative Republican movement. Move over Michael Steele, Rush Limbaugh, and Paris Hilton wannabe Meghan McCain, Stephen Colbert is ready to take the party by storm one witty tweet at a time.
Granted, Stephen Colbert’s bid for the 2008 American election was greeted with little more than a few ho-hums, but Colbert truly struck an important chord in those pregnant women craving a taste of the Ben & Jerry’s Stephen Colbert’s Americone Dream vanilla and fudge waffle goodness. (Although admittedly, the waffling should have been left to the other candidates.) Colbert should be commended for reaching out to largely neglected segments of the American population. For the 2012 election, he will no doubt reach out to other marginalized citizens of the Colbert Nation with Colbert Adult Diapers: You Can Depends on Him, Stayfree America Colbert Talking Tampons, and the Tickle-Me Stephen (a cute, plush doll that giggles every time an immigrant is deported). However, the savvy marketing should not stop there if Colbert is to gain his rightful place as supreme “elected” President of Earth. Imagine the joy on every Indian child’s face if they had a refreshing glass of Colbert’s Ecoli-Infected Fizzy Water or how happy refugee families in Darfur would be with Colbert’s Glow-in-the-Dark Only Slightly Soiled Blankets. Stephen Colbert gives a voice, and a carefully gloved and sanitized helping hand, to the neglected citizens of our world.
With an amazing intellect that stuns Republicans, Democrats, Independents, not-so-Independents, atheists, conservatives, liberals, Civil War Reenactment soldiers, reformed musicians, political pundits, economists, and elitists, Stephen Colbert no doubt could single-handedly solve global warming, the economic crises, the AIDS pandemic, and world hunger before you can say “And that’s the Word.” With his spare time as President of Earth, Stephen Colbert will no doubt use his remaining fifty-five years in office to lead noteworthy advances in science like renaming Mars “Planet Colbert” or instigating an international education project that ensures that every child not only knows how to read and write, but also can recite verbatim last season’s Colbert Report transcripts.
Stephen Colbert deserves his turn as President of Earth. Imagine for a moment a world where there is singing (English-only), laughing (at liberals, of course), no sickness (or universal healthcare), no global warming (just a liberal scam anyway), no war (nuke them all), and billions of joyful citizens sporting the sexy Clark Kent look. That is the Colbert Nation(s).